


if i stay

by AssumingMinds19



Series: Where Should I Be [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Dying Kara, F/F, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, More about Kara's Dad, No idea where this is going, Post S03E09, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, WINGING IT, Why isn't he discussed more, bear with me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-02 01:27:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13307505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssumingMinds19/pseuds/AssumingMinds19
Summary: After Kara's fight with Reign she has a choice to stay or to go. Reflecting on her past and the tragedies she has had to bear, she's not sure if she can keep being selfless. Maybe it's her turn to just let go.ORThe If I Stay fic literally nobody asked for





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Errr so yeah. First attempt at writing a fic. Bear with me and forgive any errors. Feedback much appreciated though :)

Kara saw herself falling. The crowd of people looking on in horror. And she was just lying there. Why wasn’t she moving?

Wheeled into the infirmary, she could feel the pain in her chest. People crowding…. Alex barking orders, panic etched on her face.

“Is she dead?”

_Is she dead?_

Sunlight. Fire. Blue Sky. Green eyes.

“You have the heart of a hero Kara.”

_A hero. A God._

_Nothing._

“She’s crashing.”

“Stay with me, Kara. Stay with me.”

———————————————————————————

“Kara?”

Kara groaned into her pillow. It was nice and soft, but the voice was pressing.

“Kara, you need to wake up.”

“I don’t want to.”

The sudden cool rush of air chilled her body as the blanket was yanked off. She sat up with a groan and glared at her smiling father.

“There’s no use scowling at me, you’re the one who said to get you up no matter what.”

Grumbling under her breath, she made her way over to the washstand to splash her face.

Blearily she blinked at her father.

“I’ll be ready in five minutes.”

Kara was still pouting when they landed on the outskirts of the city and unloaded their equipment but grinned excitedly when she saw her father unpacking the old battered case, whose contents she’d never been allowed to touch before. Her hand hovered above the beautifully carved paintbrushes, nearly older than her family name.

“I figured you were old enough now to use them.”

The idea of using the forbidden brushes brought a sense of glee to Kara’s heart. Her life was predetermined, the youngest member of the science guild, she could see it all laid out before her. Following in her father’s footsteps so to speak.

But ever since he had brought her with him at the age of five to his secret cliff on the outer rims, setting up his electronic easel she had lost a piece of her heart to the beautiful strokes he used to create his art. Then both of them to create their art.

She remembered asking her father why they weren’t allowed to tell anyone what they did on these early morning outings.

“Many things about our society has benefited us. But there are some things that shouldn’t be lost. You have been chosen to be a scientist like me. Like my brother and my father before us. It is our genetic destiny. But sometimes the heart yearns for more. Science can explain many things, but only art can capture the mysteries of the soul. The people of our world have forgotten what to feels like to follow our own wants, we only dedicate ourselves to what society needs. But I am not ashamed to say that I am a selfish man. And what I want is to paint the sky without retribution and rebuke. Being told that this is a waste of my time and unnecessary.”

His words struck a chord within her heart that day. So she too jealously guarded her skill and work with her electronic brush. Her father was right, everyone else just wanted her to exist inside the cultivated system. But she yearned for colours more than chemistry. Poems, more than physics.

Her father had never let her touch the real paintbrushes until today.

He set up her easel with a real canvas that her fingers skated over and handed her the brush.

“Happy Birthday sweetheart.”

  
—————————————-

Pain.

She could feel it all around her.

A planet burning. Billions of people dying. A whole world screaming in agony at once as she flew away.

Her friends.  
Playing in the gardens in front of her mother’s work.

Holding Kal for the first time and wondering at the smell he exuded.

The red glow of the sun casting shadows across the buildings in Argos City.

Her father’s smile when she showed him her first real painted canvas.

And she was alone all alone.

No one wanted her.

Sent here for a purpose that was never fulfilled.

Chasing a dream. The heart of a hero.

Losing again and again.

Jeremiah.

Astra.

Mon El.

She hurt everyone around her. Nothing but damage and pain.

Red. Black.

Burning.

They would all burn.

Everything she touched she infected.

White light. Birds Flying. Dreaming.

The ocean. Green eyes.

Green.

  
—————————————————————————

She could see herself in the hospital bed. Bruised, battered and broken.

The only reason she was alive was because of the machines pumping air into her body.

She wasn’t healing though.

An exhausted Alex stood outside the room talking to Jonn.

“I’ve done everything I can do but I don’t understand it. Her body isn’t healing. Nothing helps I’ve tried the sun lamps even kryptonite. Her body hasn’t blown out its powers it’s just….. giving up.”  
Jonn put a hand on her shoulder, his face downturned.

“On Mars… sometimes when my people were on the brink. My friends who had lost so much…. They couldn’t take it anymore. It's up to her now Alex. She has decide if she stays, or if she goes.”

Tears slid down Alex’s face.

“No! I won’t let her go.”

“It’s not up to you anymore Alex.”

Alex turned and walked back into the room towards the bed. Her tears hit Kara’s face as she leaned over her to kiss her forehead.

Kara felt far away, but closer than she had ever been.

“I’m not sure this is a world I belong in anymore. I’m not sure that I want to wake up.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

Kara had a thing for labels. In an otherwise unorganized life, she liked to spend time defining herself. When she was young it was simple.

Daughter.  
Family.  
Kryptonian.  
Happy.

But things were never simple for Kara. She was soon adding new labels.

Artist.  
Niece.  
Cousin.  
Confused.  
Scared.  
Death.  
Pain.  
Angry.  
Sad.

But above all, lost.

  
—————————————————————————————————————

Kara hovered over a different scene, there was a commotion in the waiting room.

“I just think I have a right to see her!”

“No one is going into that room apart from Agent Danvers and myself.”

“You can’t stop me!”

“I would think very carefully Mon El about what your rights are regarding Kara…. When you come to a conclusion, let me know. Until then, I suggest you take a seat.”

As the argument between Mon El and J’onn settled, the former scowled before sitting next to his wife.  
“She’ll be ok” Imra reassured him.

Kara looked down at the beautiful women and saw nothing but kindness on her face. It was true what she told him, she couldn’t hate her…. she couldn’t really hate him. But it hurt. And she was sick of being the person who had to take the high road. Why was she the one who always had to sacrifice? Laying down on the grenades and taking the burdens of a whole city while others were granted their happily ever after.

Even Alex, even after she and Maggie broke up couldn’t really understand. Because she didn’t lose her. Not the way Kara had lost Mon El. She put herself last and put him in a pod with her heart. She spent months in hell and torment at yet again some person she loved being literally lost to her forever and finally when she thinks she might have had a chance to get him back, he returned happily.

Happy without her and with someone else.

And the part that cared for him curdled into jealousy and anger. Not that he had found someone else; but that she, once again, was denied happiness. There was no one for her.

Mon El sat with his head in his hands, her mother’s necklace swinging from his chest.

Her necklace.

It seems her whole life she’s been donating parts of herself to other people. The world’s sunniest organ donator.

Need a coffee? Kara’s got it.

Need help lifting car? Supergirl is there.

Need to ensure the continuation of a culture? Send Kara in a pod with words of comfort while her planet burns.

————————————————————-

For the first time in a long time, Kara looked as battered as she felt.

Swollen face, bruised and broken bones. She looked so small.

So human.

A sense of peace washed over her.

_Finally._

——————————————————————

The summer after Kara finished college she went on a road trip alone. She was supposed to go home to Midvale with Alex, but her sister wanted to stay in the city and Kara didn’t like the idea of rejoicing in her newfound uncertainty towards the future under her foster mother’s roof.

So she packed up the shitbox car she bought with the last of her savings from her college coffee shop job and headed off into the unknown. The drive was lousy with no one to talk to and a lack of air con and something rattled ominously in the engine, but Kara couldn’t bring herself to hate the experience. Alex had joked that she wouldn’t last two miles out before she died from the silence, but she found herself rather enjoying it. She could stop the car in the middle of the desert, turn in all directions and not see a single soul.

She stopped at every all you can eat and challenge restaurant she could find. Patrons cheering as she horsed down steaks and shrimp cocktails with BBQ sauce dripping off her chin. She must have collected over thirty novelty t-shirts from that trip that are still sitting collecting dust in a box at Eliza’s house.

And at night she could lie on the hood of her car and stare at the stars. And when she hit the east coast she could see the sunrise over the ocean.

The day Lex Luthor went mad and Clark had to stop him, Kara woke up in the back seat of her car and listened to the news on the radio. When Lex finally fell the commentary turned to whether or not Lex ideas about aliens, if not his execution, was right and Kara could only sit in silence.

The next town Kara passed through she stopped at the local art supply store and headed to the beach.

And while the rest of the world contemplated what was left of humanities soul, Kara tried to paint it.

———————————————————

Clark had arrived at the DEO, and after being brought up to speed on the current situation was engaged in a whispered conversation with J’onn.

“What do you mean she’s dying?”

“Exactly what I said, Superman.”

“But….. she’s Kryptonian like me. She should be healing. Did Reign do something to her?”

J’onn let out a low frustrated growl his face betraying a deep exhaustion.

“I have my best agents on it Clark, but whoever she is she’s disappeared.”

J’onn’s gaze lingered at the door to the med bay.

“But from what we can tell there isn’t anything wrong with her. Her makeup hasn’t changed she’s just…. dying.”

Kara felt a sense of anguish at the pained look on Clark’s face. Once she leaves, he will be the last. But even though she should, Kara can’t summon the energy to care.

Almost as if he heard her Clark turned back to J’onn.

“I should have been there for her more. She is better than me. As a child, she was ready to carry the burden of an entire culture and a baby on her shoulders…. And as an adult, I couldn’t take care of a scared and lonely child who just wanted her family back.”

To Kara’s surprise, Clark’s shoulders began to shake in silent sobs.

“Take it from an old and tired martian” J’onn began resting his hand on Clark’s shoulder.

“Energy spent on regrets should be spent elsewhere. Kara wouldn’t want anyone falling apart right now. We need to be strong for people and for each other. We can’t change the past Superman…. after all we’re only human.”

Clark chuckled tearily “Not Kara though right?”

J’onn’s gaze again flickered to the door.

“No. Kara has always been more.”

———————————————————————-

Birds floating above the ocean, almost as if they themselves were riding the waves.

Blue water, green water.

Green eyes.

——————————————————————-

“Her phone won’t stop ringing. Three guesses who’s calling”

“It’s been three days, she deserves to know.”

“No.”

“Jesus Christ J’onn, she’s her best friend she doesn’t know!”

“We can’t afford-“

“What’s there to afford! Kara is DYING! She should have a chance to say goodbye.”

“What did you say?”

“….Alex-“

“She’s NOT DYING! How dare you… you say that! She’s going to live… she’s… she’s….”

“I know… Alex. I’m sorry it’s just she keeps calling, and you know she isn’t going to stop.”

“Winn’s right J’onn.”

“Alex-“

“I’m telling you as her sister. Kara would want her to know. I’d put my hand in fire that she’s already guessed. She’s not stupid and Kara has never been able to be subtle with the people she cares about. Just, get her here.”

“Do you want to call her or should I?”

“You do it, she knows you better.”

“Hi, Lena. It’s Winn.”

  
————————————————

Kara woke up crying in her pillow.

The door to her room opened with a hiss and a weight sat on the end of her bed.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?”

Kara flung herself into her father’s arms her tears soaking his shirt.

He rubbed her back and whispered sweet nothings waiting for her shaking to subside.

“I dreamt that you and mother left me alone. You left me and I was all alone in the dark. Why did you leave me?”

“Hush little one, hush now. Your mother and I are here, we haven’t left.”

“You left me like Aunt Astra left.”

Zor El stilled at her words still stroking her hair.

“Sweetheart…. you’re aunt didn’t leave you because she wanted to, she left because she had to.”

“But you’ll never leave me, right? We’ll always be together.”

Zor El sighed rubbing his hand down his face.

“My sweet little one. I would never willingly leave you. I love you more than the moons and the stars. More than the air I breathe. But life doesn’t always give us a choice. But no matter what separates us, time or space or even the void. I will never leave you. And that's how we survive, even if we think we’ve lost everything. Because the ones that love us never really leave us. That's how we manage to survive the loss. Because love, it never dies, it never goes away, it never fades, so long as you hang on to it. And as long as you have that love in your heart, you will never be alone.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say really, just kinda rolling with this. Thanks for the kudos and the comments :) Love to hear what people think.

The majority of Supergirl’s fans have a rather rose-tinted view of what being the Girl of Steel really entails. The constant threats and dangers and the inevitability of near misses regarding work deadlines.

But the bugs…. ugh.

The amount of bugs Kara has swallowed over her tenure as Supergirl is astronomical. Admittedly a lot of her planned witty one-liners have been thwarted by stray bugs flying into her eyes.

After one particularly nasty fire, Kara found herself five minutes late to a planned lunch date with her best friend. It was the first real get together they'd had in months after the Daxamite Invasion and Kara really didn’t want to give Lena the impression that she was blowing her off again.

“I’m so sorry I’m late! I know I keep saying that every time I’m late and if I’m being honest it’d probably be easier to just plan our meeting ten minutes before you actually want me here but really I don’t know if that would work now because now I know that you would be doing that-“

“Kara breathe.”

Kara swallowed a large breath of air before smiling sheepishly at the amused brunette opposite.

Lena’s ruby lips quirked from an amused smirk to a downturned frown as she stared intently at Kara’s face.

“Errr… why are you looking at me like that?”

“Too hungry to wait for lunch were we? Honestly, I can’t say I’m surprised I just didn’t realise your tastes were as… adventurous.”

Kara puzzled over Lena’s strange commentary before Lena had pity on her.

“You have a fly in your teeth darling.”

“Sweet Rao! I mean… God. I am so sorry Lena, I had no idea…” Kara before rushing crimson red to the bathroom. Only after the offending item was removed and Kara’s face had reduced three shades did she return to the table.

Lena’s eyebrow arched above the menu she was perusing before setting it aside with a large smile.

“I checked but they don’t have any follow up grasshopper.”

With a groan, Kara buried her head in her hands and Lena left out a laugh.

“Honestly darling,” she said placing her hand on Kara’s elbow, “Don’t be embarrassed. I would say these things happen to us all, but in all honesty, I can’t recall an incident like this occurring to anyone bar you.”

Kara lifted her head to meet Lena’s gaze.

“I don’t even have an explanation that would make sense,” she said despondently, because honestly how do you explain flies in your teeth?

“Like I said Kara, apart from blackmail material, it shall never be mentioned again,” Lena said closing the matter before returning to her menu.

Kara sighed in relief before looking at her own. Her concentration was broken by the feeling of Lena’s intense gaze.

Locking their eyes, the CEO gave her a sultry smirk.

“Though it’s good to know you’re open to new experiences” she stated with a wink.

  
————————————————-

“Where is she”

“Ms. Luthor I think you need to prepare yourself-“

“For God’s sake I know she’s Supergirl I’m not that oblivious, flew here on a bus honestly…”

“No Ms. Luthor its just that-“

“Oh my God Kara. Kara…”

“Lena…”

“Alex… what’s happening to her? Why isn’t she healing? What can I do to help”

“Lena, believe me if there was anything you could do, anything, I would ask. But… there’s nothing….”

“Alex there must be something-“

“IV’E TRIED EVERYTHING! DON’T YOU THINK I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING? There’s nothing I, or anyone, can do. She just won’t wake up. Her body… it’s shutting down. Her heart, her lungs…. everything”

“She’s not dying”

“…Ms. Luthor… Alex…. There is nothing in the world I want more than for Kara to wake up. It’s not about what we want though. All that we can hope for now, is that it’s what she wants too”

————————————————————————————————————-

Days after the Daxamite Invasion and people were still missing. Kara hadn’t slept since the incident. She spent her time lifting and clearing buildings and helping the trapped people inside out. She found a little girl underneath a steel beam, her legs crushed and taking shallow breaths.

She died in Kara’s arms before she could even fly to the hospital.

Death doesn’t discriminate when it comes to its victims. Even for little girls in Supergirl t-shirts.

———————————————————————————————————-

Kara wasn’t encouraged by her foster family to participate in sports. Not that Kara was overly interested in them. But still, in an effort to appear ‘normal’ she went with her sister to all of her school’s games sitting bored in the bleachers, doodling on a notebook that Alex had frowned at when she brought it with her. But after Kara’s second year of living with her new family, Alex was no longer hovered over her, instead choosing to watch the game with her friends. Kara quickly got bored and she usually wandered away from the dull roar of the crowd.

Nights in her new hometown were quiet and lacked the light pollution of her old planet; where the light never really left the sky. Red’s on Earth weren’t the same as the colours that graced Krypton’s sky. She often wondered if one day she just wouldn’t remember what those colours looked like.

The crowds of people did nothing to dull the loneliness she felt. Surrounded by people, but she never felt more lost.

Sometimes she wondered what it would be like to just let go for everyone to see, damn the consequences. Watch their faces as she flew above them soaring into the horizon without a care in the world, instead of having to pretend.

She wishes she was just like everyone else. So she could feel like she was wanted. But it didn’t make her feel sad that she was different, just empty.

She knew she would never be the same because of her extraordinary powers. And in the lost nights when her sister didn’t even notice where she was, she just wanted that feeling of belonging she hadn’t felt since she left Krypton.   
And Kara wondered if she would ever feel it again.

——————————————-

She was back in the waiting room, a tense silence sitting over it.

There were some new additions; James and Lena now sat on the ancient and battered folding chairs that had been hastily set up. A crowd had gathered. J’onn, Clark, and Winn floated between the anxiously peering through the frosted glass of the infirmary and doing whatever jobs they were called away to. Alex herself was dozing next to Kara’s comatose body, holding Kara’s hand. The sun lamps were still on, a desperate silent wish for them to work. James sat a few chairs away from Mon El, the latter’s arms crossed over his chest while his wife slept with her head on his shoulder. James looked lost alternating between talking to Clark, glancing at the door and eyeing Lena nervously. Lena herself was glaring holes into Mon El’s head.

Mon El was the first one to snap.

“What?”

Lena’s eyes narrowed before sighing out “Nothing.”

“No” Mon El’s face twisted in annoyance standing up and startling his wife awake. “What’s your problem!”

Lena muttered under her breath “Nothing…. apart from your presence.”

The man’s face turned purple, and he spluttered under the heiress’ cool and unimpressed gaze.

“I’ve earned my place here-“

“Anything you ‘earned’, has long since been used up. You arrogant, entitled prick.” Lena hissed out between clenched teeth standing sharply herself, the metal chair clattering to the floor behind her.

“Haven’t you trampled on Kara’s heart enough?”

Mon El sneered in Lena’s face, but Lena wasn’t intimidated.

“At least she wanted me! Not like you. You just can’t get past the fact that no matter how much you throw yourself in front of her, she will never love you the way she loves me!”

Any warmth that Lena might have had left disappeared so fast even Mon El stepped back.

“Kara is the purest, kindest soul in existence. She dedicates her life to everyone around her. Sacrifices her happiness, for the sake of everyone else’s. And maybe it’ll never happen, maybe she’ll never love me the way I wished she did, but she loved you that way! She gave you her heart and you repay her by coming back and rubbing her face with your newfound happiness!?”

“You have no idea what it was like for me-“

“And that, you blithering idiot, is why you don’t deserve to be here,” Lena said pointing her manicured figure at Kara’s body.

“She’s lying there, growing colder on a table, and all you can think about is yourself and how this will affect you!”

Alex stormed out of Kara’s room.

“What in the hell is wrong with you two? The last thing Kara needs right now is people fighting over her.”

Mon El looked shuffled his feet while Imra tugged him back to his seat, but Lena refused to back down.

“On the contrary Agent Danvers. I think Kara deserves to be fought for. And if I can’t do it medically, I’ll damn well do it personally. Now, I’ve had enough of waiting outside, I’m going to see her.”

Alex’s eyes glinted in approval at Lena’s steel and almost missed Mon El’s aghast face.

“Now hang on a minute-“

“Fifteen minutes Ms. Luthor. I’m going to get a coffee.”

—————————————————————

_Love._

_How did she miss that?_

—————————————————————

“How did you know you loved Papa?” A five-year-old asked her mother once.

“I didn’t sweet thing. Not at first.” Her mother answered.

This puzzled the little girl. How could you not know you loved someone.

Her mother tried to explain as best as she could.

“The stories like to say that you meet someone and the instant you lock eyes with them, a fire bursts between you and you’ll never be the same. And sometimes that happens, but for me and your father, our love wasn’t like fire… it was like water. Slow and gradually filling me, I didn’t even notice it until I couldn’t remember what it was like not have it there.”

Kara’s face broke into a beautiful grin.

“Do you think that I’ll ever have that?”

“Yes my darling” her mother whispered hugging her daughter to her chest.  
“One day someone will love you so much, you’ll wonder how you ever existed without them.”

————————————————————

“Kara, please.”

“I’m sorry, I know it’s selfish, but I need you”

“Please"

—————————————————

Even though the red of Krypton’s sky couldn’t be seen anywhere on Earth. Green was the colour Kara dreamed of.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the fic isn't going to be super long, it's more of an in between thing I guess. I'm just testing the waters when it comes to writing for other people. Hope you guys enjoy and as ever, love to hear feedback!

She was flying above oceans, deserts, forest… Into the horizon; over grassy plains and towards the stars.

_Kara_

Following the birds, snowflakes in her hair.

In the eye of the storm, lightning crackling around her rain hitting her face.

_Kara…. please…._

The first time she tasted ice-cream. Saw her first Earth sunset.

Sitting with Alex at their childhood home and holding her hand when she cried about Maggie.

The warmth she felt when Eliza first introduced her as her daughter.

Alex’s smile when she asked Kara to be her maid of honour.

Flying to the top of Mount Everest the day after Mon El returned.

Wondering if she could just disappear into the wind.

_Please…._

———————————————

Lena sat hunched over her body. Her eyes were red-rimmed as she stared at the rise and fall of Kara’s chest. She was wearing the same clothes Kara had last seen her in. An empty coffee cup rested on Kara’s bedside table. The room was silent except for the sounds of the machines keeping Kara alive.

“Lena…” Alex whispered walking into the room and looking equally exhausted.

“You need to get some sleep.”

Lena shrugged and cleared her throat before replying. “I’ve been sleeping here.”

Alex grunted annoyed. “You know what I mean Lena. You have a company to run… you need to go home get changed and get some sleep in a real bed.”

“Don’t tell me what to do Alex… you haven’t left either. I’m not going anywhere until she wakes up.”

Her sister let out a defeated sigh before sitting on Kara’s other side.

They both sat for a few minutes in silence before Lena whispered so quietly Alex almost asked her to repeat herself.

“I can’t let her go, Alex,” Lena said reaching over to grasp Kara’s limp hand.

“I never got to tell her” she choked out tears escaping her eyes.

Alex reached over to place her hand on top of Lena and Kara’s. She hesitated before speaking.

“I always wondered…. The way you looked at her, but then she told me that you liked James.”

“I don’t think even I really knew until I saw her lying in that crater. I mean, I love her, but how can you not? She was the first person in my life who just wanted to be friends with me for no other reason than she just…. liked me. She believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. Even when I wanted to quit…. she wouldn’t let me. She would just turn up with pizza and make me laugh. I thought this feeling was just true friendship….. but I don’t think I can live without her. I’m in love with her.”

Lena sniffled. She wiped her eyes before turning her focus back to counting Kara’s breaths.

“For what it’s worth” Alex started, “I think she was in love with you too. I don’t think she knows it either though, she can be pretty oblivious. But I don’t think she could find anyone better.”

Lena let out a weak laugh.

“Was?”

Her sister’s face had never looked so distraught.

“I don’t know anymore Lena. It’s been three weeks. Kara wouldn’t have wanted to spend the rest of her life breathing through a tube.“

Lena scoffed and gripped Kara’s hand tighter as if Alex was going to steal her away.

“We don’t know that because she’s not awake to tell us! I can’t believe this. You were supposed to be on my side-“

“I’M ON KARA’S SIDE! I’ll always be on Kara’s side.” Alex shouted standing and pacing back and forth before turning back to face the pale CEO.

“I didn’t want to believe it, but maybe Kara doesn’t want to come back.”

“What are you saying Alex” Lena whispered. “You think Kara… wants to… to die?”

Tears were freely flowing down both of their faces.

“Her body is dying Lena, that’s my point. She shouldn’t be dying. There is no physical reason, the only explanation is…. she want’s to go.”

Lena shook her head, furiously wiping away her tears.

“No… no. She can’t”

“Lena…..” Alex sighed “You said it yourself. Maybe she just doesn’t have anything left. She’s given everything and more.”

Lena closed her eyes.

“She still has us.”

——————————————————————————-

She was back on Krypton, standing on their balcony overlooking the sunset.

She felt……

What was this feeling?

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she turned around to see her father and mother standing behind her. Her father smiled and opened his arms. She flung herself into his strong embrace.

He even smelt the same.

She felt a hand stroke her hair and she turned against her father’s chest to look at her mother.

“You have been so brave”

Kara held back sobs when her mother embraced them.

“I failed you mother. I’m not brave…. I know I should go back. But I don’t want it anymore. All the anger and pain and loneliness…. I just…. can’t.”

Alura gripped Kara’s head in her hands.

“You could never fail me, my sweet daughter. You shine like the sun and have given light to everyone who has had the privilege to know you. You don’t have to prove yourself, Kara, you never have.”

Alura walked her daughter over to the railing and she stared at the horizon with both her parents holding each of her hands.

“You can come home now.”

They stood in silence for a minute before Jor-El turned to Kara to whisper in her ear.

“Did you paint your mysteries?”

——————————

_Kara_

_Kara?_

_I don’t know if you can hear me….._

Alex?

——————————-

Alex was alone in the room now. A crowd had begun to form a line outside Kara’s door, but the door was closed offering them relative privacy.

She stared at her body before leaning over and kissing Kara on the head, before turning to go.

Kara knew……. This was Alex saying goodbye.

_Alex_

_Alex, what do I do?_

Almost as if she heard her, Alex turned back towards Kara and clearing her throat.

“I’ve been trying to think of what your parents would want me to say to you. Your mother loved you so much, she sent you across the universe to give you your best chance.”

Alex swallowed before continuing and sat back down.

“I remember the day you first told someone I was your sister. You were so sure, you didn’t hesitate. I was surprised. I hadn’t been particularly kind towards you at that point, downright resentful. I knew how much value you placed on your family and you wouldn’t even call Mom or Dad your parents. I asked Mom later why she thought you had called me that.”

Alex’s eyes welled with tears.

“Because she loves you Alex. That's what she said. My family was the one that took you in, but you were the accepting one Kara. You accepted me, chose me… to be your family.”

Kara sat mesmerized at Alex’s confession.

“The amount of joy and love you’ve brought to my life, Kara… Losing Krypton was the worse thing to ever happen to you, but it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Because it brought me you. My sister. You’ve sacrificed so much for me Kara because that’s what you do for the people that you love.” She said releasing a shuddering breath.

“And here’s mine Kara,” she said pulling Kara’s hand between her own.  
“I want you to live. I want that more than anything in this world. I want you to fight like hell to stay with us.” She stopped clearing her throat. “But that’s what I want and I understand that might not be what you want anymore. If you want to go, I want you to know it’s ok.” She said breaking down.

“It’s ok. I understand. It’s ok if you want to stop fighting.”

Alex slumped back into her chair and quiet filled the room.

_Thank you_

—————————————-

She was ready.

She could leave.

….but then she felt a tug

And the whispered words

_Not yet_

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my final chapter. As stated previously, I know it's not super long. But! I hope you guys liked it. As always, love to hear feedback and thanks for reading!

_Singing under the stars_

_Where have you come from my darling_

_Standing in the shadows_

_Where have you been_

  
—————————————————————————

She was next to her bed again, but the edges of the room were getting fuzzy. Like someone had used her father’s brushes to blur the lines. Kara turned at the sound of the door shutting gently.

  
“Hey Supergirl”

_J’onn…_

“So many people have come to see you, I’ve lost count of them all. I’m pretty sure half my staff isn’t doing their jobs. They’re all waiting outside. And I know we are not all related to you…. and I know I’m not your father, but I love you as much as my own daughters. And we’re your family. You still have a family Kara.”

J’onn opened up his phone and held about a photo to Kara’s eyes.

“Look? Do you remember this? James took it. This is my favourite picture of you. Ever.”

It was a photo of Kara laughing between Winn and Alex at game night. Alex’s head was thrown back and Winn’s juice was coming out of his nose.

Kara remembered that night, it was only a few…. when was that night?

But the picture… it brought back that feeling she had when she had seen her parents. What is this feeling?

“You were so happy that night.” J’onn continued.

“And no matter what, that’s the way I’m always going to remember you. Not as Supergirl….. just as Kara. Because that’s who we all love. Just you.”

——————————————————————————

Kara is drifting again, but it feels slower

As if she was falling asleep

She can still see herself

Faces blurred together

Mon EL, Eliza, Winn, James, Clark, Alex

_Kara_

_I’m sorry_

_It’s ok_

_We love you_

_I love you_

_Please_

_You’re my daughter_

_We didn’t have enough time_

_I didn’t mean_

_You’re my best friend_

_Kara_

_You’re my family_

_You’re my sister_

_I’m sorry it took so long_

_Please_

_Come back_

_I understand now_

_It’s ok_

_I’m sorry_

_Please_

_The most important_

_You’re the sky_

_I’ll go away_

_Please_

_Please_

_You still mean so much to me_

_It’s ok_

_The most special_

_We love you_

_Don’t go_

_You’re the sun_

_You’ll always be my friend_

_I’ll miss you_

_You’re everything_

_We need you Kara_

_I’m so sorry_

_Come home_

—————————————————

Kal had taken her flying once when she was still a teenager. She was still having trouble fitting in and he must have felt guilty for not having seen her in a few months. So when Jeremiah called him to tell him she was struggling he turned up one early Saturday morning.

“Kal El!” Kara shouted running from the house to wrap her arms around him.

She grinned up at his bemused face. “What are you doing here?”

“Why” he replied ruffling her hair “To see my favourite cousin of course.”

Kara giggled “I’m your only cousin, so that doesn’t make sense.”

Clark looked scandalised. “Why, can’t I be allowed to visit anymore? Is Kara Danvers to good for Superman?”

Kara raised an eyebrow before Kal conceded.

“Alright, you caught me. I came to ask for a favour.”

Kara’s expression changed to one of excitement. “What can I do to help!?”

“I need you to go flying with me. I’m getting bored all by myself.”

Kara immediately began hovering.

“Really? But I thought you didn’t want me to use my powers?”

Clark leaned down and winked.

“What’s the use of rules, if you never break them?” He said before launching into the sky.

Kara blasted off after him and together they did excited loops and twirls for over an hour. They arrived on the edge of a cliff, so much like the one Kara used to paint from with her father. They sat down, legs dangling off the edge as Clark’s cape fluttered behind them.

Kara sat in silence before turning to Clark and asking quietly.

“Kal…. what’s the best thing that ever happened to you?”

Clark looked down at his smaller cousin’s pensive face for a few seconds, before breaking into a gentle smile and answering.

“Probably finding you.”

And Kara’s heart began the warm.

———————————————————————

The sun was setting now

The water glittered blue, green and red too

Moonlight began to cast new shadows

The wind still whistled through the trees

But the birds had stopped flying

———————————————————————

She was back in the DEO, except everything was silent.

There was no hum of voices, clattering of keypads or whir of machines. The bed she was lying in was gone. She pushed upon the door and stepped out into the corridor. She could see the control was empty. Kara felt sunlight hitting the back of her neck and she turned.

A line of her friends were standing and smiling at her. They looked so happy to see her, Kara couldn’t help but smile in joy. And at the edge of the balcony, right where she always used to land as Supergirl, stood her mother and father.

“What’s happening?" She asked, even though she already knew the answer.

“It’s time,” Eliza said stepping forward and pulling Kara into a hug. Kara embraced her tightly.

“Thank you for everything Eliza” she whispered.

Eliza smiled knowingly and Kara stepped forward to the next person.

“Winn?”

“Hey, Kara.” The shorter man answered.

“Heard you were heading this way. Lucky for you I got to pick your outfit!” He shouted gleefully.

Kara looked down and saw she was once again wearing her Super suit.

“I want you to know I love you so much and I would choose a normal you over an “awesome powers” you any day. But…. you have to admit you made an awesome Supergirl and you looked pretty cool doing it.” He finished with an awkward shoot em’ up stance.

Kara’s smile increased before she pulled him in for a hug.

“I’m going to miss you, Winn.”

“Kara” A quiet voice called.

Kara turned to spot a sad looking Mon El and she tensed.

“I just wanted to say….” He began before sighing and looking into her eyes.

“I’m sorry”

Kara relaxed and let out a breath. She hesitated before pulling him into a brief hug and replied.

“It wouldn’t have lasted anyway…. but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry too.”

They separated and Kara moved on to face Clark and James who stood together.

The photographer pulled her in for a hug first.

“Just so you know…. you were always my favourite Super.”

“Hey!” Sounded a muffled Clark while Kara laughed in James’ chest.

James held Kara’s head in his hands while wiping away her tears.

“Hey now,” he said. “What’s with the tears.”

“I just want you to know, that I did love you, James, just not anymore…..” Kara sniffled.

“I know Kara. It’s ok. I loved you too. But..… your heart belongs to someone else.”

Kara mouthed wordlessly at James’ knowing smile before Clark turned her to him.

“I just want to say thanks, Kara and…. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey” Kara started “It’s ok-“

“No, it really isn’t Kara…. and I don’t deserve it but… forgive me?”

Kara smiled gently at the sad expression on Kal’s face.

“Of course little cousin”

Clark grinned at the comment, but before Kara could pull away he called her back.

“Hey, Kara?”

“Yeah?”  
“Could you do me a favour? When you meet them…. my parents. Could you tell them…. thank you.”

Kara smiled at him.

“Sure thing Superman.”

J’onn was next in line and he spread his arms wordlessly. Kara threw herself into his embrace and he held her tightly before letting her go. His usually stoic face was also sporting a grin.

“Oh my God J’onn. What’s happening to your face?”

“Oh ha ha. Very funny.” J’onn replied, before looking at Kara with a fond expression.

“Thank you, Kara. For helping me hope again.” Said the martian simply.

“What?” Kara scoffed in disbelief “I didn’t do any-“

“Kara” J’onn quieted her with a hand on her shoulder.

“You did everything.”

Kara’s eyes welled with tears before a firm voice interrupted her.

“What? No goodbye for me?”

Kara turned and went to rush into her sister’s arms but Alex held her back.

“Please… not yet. just let me get this out.” Alex said blowing out a breath and steeling herself.

“No one and I mean no one, in the entire universe. Is luckier than me having you as my sister.” She finished before pulling Kara into a bone-shattering hug.

“Alex… can’t… breath..” Kara wheezed.

Alex released her with a pleased glint in her eye.  
“Well, at least now you can go knowing what that feels like.” She laughed.

Kara quickly pulled her sister back into another hug.

“You’re wrong you know. I’m the lucky one.”

Alex walked her the rest of the way to the balcony where her parents stood smiling down at her.

Her father reached out his hand for Kara to take.

“It’s ok Kara. You can come home now.”

Kara reached out in return but hesitated. That feeling had returned… what was this feeling?

“What is it, Kara.”

The feeling… it was tugging at her, low in her belly. Pulling her back.

“Kara?”

“Wait.” She stated panicked and whirling around at the smiling faces.

“Where’s Lena?”

“What’s wrong Kara?” Her father asked.

“I have to speak to Lena. I need to tell her.”

Zor El cracked a knowing smile.

_Kara_

“Lena?”

_Kara?_

“I can’t go yet…. I have to speak to Lena. Where is she?”

The walls had begun to fade again, the blurred edges crept along the borders.

“LENA!”

_Paint your mysteries Kara_

And then the world slammed back.

  
———————————————————————————-

She was back in her room. She could see her body lying back again on the bed. The waiting room was quiet and dark. The only light was coming from the machines whirring.

Lena was back and was hunched over the table next to Kara. She’d was in the process of emptying out the plastic bags full of takeaway food and setting it up.

“I brought pizza, ice cream and of course… potstickers! I figured knowing you, you’d wake up hungry.” Lena said grinning weakly down at Kara.

“And don’t worry, I made sure they packed enough chopsticks.”

_Lena…._

Kara wanted to reply, but she didn’t know how. The unknown feeling in the pit of her stomach was growing, it felt familiar but she still couldn’t place it.

Lena let out a long sigh at Kara’s silent body before gently gripping Kara’s hand in her own.

“Kara….. stay.”

_Lena…. don’t_

“I know everyone thinks that you’re gone… that I can’t let you go. But I know Kara. I know your still in there.”

Kara reached out trying to touch Lena’s cheek, but her hand slipped through like smoke.

“I know that there has been so much pain in your life… that’s probably why you were so understanding about mine. And I’m not arrogant enough to think I can fix it, but….. I love you so much, I know that now. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out. And I don’t care if you don’t want to be Supergirl anymore. I don’t care if you don’t love me back or if you never want to see me again. I don’t care if I have to give up my name, my company. Anything you want me to do I will. I’ll do whatever you want. Just please stay. You’re my home Kara, I don’t care about anything else. I know that now. I will do anything if you stay.”

Lena was looking so distraught and longingly at her, Kara willed herself to move but she just wouldn’t.

_Lena_

Home… she was Lena’s home.

Home

That feeling…..

Of course.

She was home

——————————————————————————

Sky. Night. Day

Stars. Sun. Ocean. Waves

Red. Blue. Green eyes

Sheets. Sunlight. Dust.

Flying

Birds soaring

—————————————————-

_I’ve been here all along my darling_

_Here all along_

——————————————————

  
Kara’s nose twitched. She could smell sweet and sour pork and her stomach rumbled. She cracked open her crusty eyes and blinked at the sudden light. Lena was had fallen asleep, her head resting on the side of the hospital bed. Her inky hair spilled across the sheets rising and falling with Kara’s breath.

Kara felt strength returning fast to her limbs and she reached up to yank out the tube down her throat coughing.

The sudden movement and sound woke Lena. She blinked down at Kara drowsily before standing with a start.

“Kara? Oh, thank God. Hold on, I’ll get Alex.” She said turning to shout but stopped when Kara grabbed her hand.

“Wait” Kara croaked “I need to tell you something.”

“Shh Shh,” Lena whispered stroking Kara’s hair. “What is it darling?”

Kara cleared her throat again before reaching up and gently pulling Lena down into a chaste kiss.

Her head pulled back and hit the pillow, gazing up at Lena’s stunned expression.

“So…. would you really do anything for me?”

Lena’s expression broke into one of joy before she pulled Kara back for another kiss and then wiped her eyes.

“Like I said. Only if you stay.”

 

 


End file.
